Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
