I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
