i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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