Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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