Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
