I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
