why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
