I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
