WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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