My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
