Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
