Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
