I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize