Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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