I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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