good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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