There is no way he is gay with that hair.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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