when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There are leaves in my underwear?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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