oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
