so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
