you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
