if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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