Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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