I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
