what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
