And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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