The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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