How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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