I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
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i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
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Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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