If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
