Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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