I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
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He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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