So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
