Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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