Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
