i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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