My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
