i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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