I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
