Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
