The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
