I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
