Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
