who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
