Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
