You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
