Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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