I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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