I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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