I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize