Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
