I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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