those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
