The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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