I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
