I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
