Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
