hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well I just put wine in my tea
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
