Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
