i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
